Dances with my father

I was at home a few weeks ago and my step-dad asked me when was the last time I had visited my father's grave. I shrugged it off and said "IDK". "Why", he asks. He then says, "you should try to get out there at least once a year".  I wonder what prompted him to ask me that.

My dad passed when I was 15. I didn't allow myself to grieve until about a week or two later.  That same day I went and cheered at a basketball game like nothing happened. I walked around in a daze. Didn't shed one tear. Not because of lack of love or anything, I loved my daddy to death. I think I just didn't know how and didn't want anybody to see me. I finally broke down at home and started having anxiety attacks. Luckily my step dad was there and talked me through it.

Well it's been almost 10 years and I can probably count on one hand how many times I visited his grave. No, I'm not cruel, we didn't have a bad relationship or anything like that. I'm just not one to go standing around at a grave trying to find comfort from a piece of granite.  Every Memorial Day my grandmother and other family members go out to our family plot and clean graves. They pick weeds, remove trash, etc. I never understood why they did that until this year.

As I Get older, I find my self tearing up inside and swallowing back a lump in my throat when I see children interacting with their fathers.  Things are happening and I get an urge to call my dad just to say hey. Sometimes at night, I just let it out silently and allow the tears to flow.  I cried after I graduated college, I cried after I met the former Gov Doug Wilder, I cry sometimes after watching something on tv.  I think grief lasts forever and I now know that it's ok to acknowledge those feelings.  That's how I get through. I smile and just say, "DAD"!  I say it out loud to hear myself and hope he hears it too. I think the hardest part of me getting older is knowing we only had 15 years together. 15 years of memories and love. Just knowing he didn't get to see me drive, date (he always said I couldn't date till I was 30), be a part of the Air Force JROTC ( I joined because he was in the air force ), see me graduate, help me move into my first apartment, etc.  I don't think of him as missing out on anything anymore; I just call him up in my bed, my secret place, and tell him about it!

I think the reason my family cleans off graves every year, is to let our ancestors know that somebody remembers them . Somebody remembers their legacy and loves them. Me and my mom were fussing when we went to my father's resting place and saw weeds and grass growing around other people's graves. We saw tire tracks like somebody just took a joy ride over graves. Every time I hear Luther Vandross's song "Dance With My Father", I cry. I love that song and that will always be our song.  It's crazy how people that haven't seen me since I was a a baby will ask, are you Randy's daughter? You look just like him! ( Got this yesterday). So when I'm having a moment, I'll go to my secret place and Dance With My Father, Randy Jerome Hurt.